Relationships
Recently, I asked my IG followers to pick four topics they’d want me to write about. Unsurprisingly, “Relationship” was one of the most requested topics. I can see why relationships seems to be a hardship for my generation. We trade human connections for applications. We avoid meaningful conversations with headphones. We filter our emotions for the sake of likes. In other words, we suffer from what I like to call “humane deficiency”.
I wanna talk to you about relationships. Relationship with your God, your love ones and most importantly yourself. Let me warn you now, I don’t plan on using much filter in this blog. After all, this is Unfiltered Soles. I will not judge you, nor will I persuade you to think that my way is the best. However, I do plan on being as honest as my words will allow me to be.
It’s almost impossible to find one human, animal or species of any kind who have not experienced a relationship. Whether that relationship was a positive or negative one, it still counts as a valid experience. I am convinced that most of us don’t know what a real relationship is. Therefore, we create a normal for what society has labelled as “Relationship Goals”. Don’t get me wrong, every REAL relationship SHOULD and MUST have a goal. However, not every goal is realistic. BREAKING NEWS: that perfect couple on IG that you’re obsessed with; I’m sorry to tell you my friend- it’s false advertisement. Before I go any further, I think it’s imperative that I respectfully define the word of its totality. According to dictionary.com, relationship can be defined as, the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected. Did you get that? It’s all about connection. Connection with a higher power, with yourself and others- in that order.
GOD: A healthy relationship with God should be a priority on your list. I’m not talking about praying asking for help when the light goes off, or when you’re on your third overdraft for the month. I’m talking about a spiritual ritual, a daily devotion, an intimate bond. You speak to your significant other everyday right? So why should you go weeks, months not speaking to the one who is in control of your life? He decides whether you see another day or not. I don’t know about you, but when someone has that much power over me, I take them very seriously. INSIGHT- I was raised in a Christian home. Meaning, going to church on Tuesday nights, bible study Wednesday nights, prayer service Friday night, fasting on Saturdays, and church service twice on Sundays was my normal. As I became older, I’ve realized one can do all of what’s listed above and still lacks maturity in their personal relationship with God. Am I saying you have to pray 8 times a day? No. Am I saying you have to attend church every day of the week? No. What I’m saying is develop a habit of acknowledgement to your creator.
YOURSELF: Have you ever been to an interview where the interviewer asked “tell me a little about yourself?” Or “Tell me 3 things you love about yourself?” I wouldn’t be surprised if these questions were hard to answer. Again, I’m not blaming or judging you. Self love doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. One that demands a constant investment in your personal life. The only way to do that is having a personal relationship with yourself. It’s impossible to know who you are if you don’t take YOU seriously. For some of us, that begins with taking a shower, brushing our teeth, and wearing deodorant-daily. I can’t stress how important it is to have a grounded, healthy relationship with yourself. The way you treat yourself, sets an example for the way you want others to treat you. We crave for acceptance, acceptance of our true organic self. Yet, we don’t even know who we are. How are people supposed to love you if you have no clue who you are? Who are they going to love? How are they supposed to love you? What’s your standard of care/love? YOU MUST KNOW THESE THINGS. Invest time in knowing who you are. Know your likes, dislikes, the things that makes you extremely happy and the things you cannot tolerate. Know when to say yes and no. Set realistic goals for yourself, Spend time alone, treat yourself to nice things. Take yourself out on a date, take a trip alone. Be yourself unapologetically.
I’ve been told numerous times that I’m a bull, a Taurus at heart because of the way I operate. I admit I tend to do things that makes me happy. Not because I don’t care about the next person’s feelings; I just value my happiness a bit more than the next person’s. After all, I’m not responsible for your happiness. It’s your job to make yourself happy. You shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to bring fulfillment to your life. Some call it selfishness, I call it self intimacy. Bishop TD Jakes refer to it (intimacy) as IN-TO-ME-SEE. I am begging you, open that third eye and look deep down in your soul. Figure out who you are before embarking on the journey of figuring out anyone else.
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS: recently I went back home to my country. If you’ve been reading my blogs you know exactly what happened during that trip. Maybe not exactly, but at least the highlights. I visited a woman who used to watched over me when I was a baby. She’s much older now. When she saw me she grabbed onto me, kissed me with tears rolling down her cheeks, the reunion was blissful! The first question that came out of her mouth was “did you bring your kids and husband with you?” PAUSE: What kids? What husband? Do you know something I don’t know? It amazes me to see how many of us fall into this trap I call “expectancy” this soul diminish system that mindfucks all of us. Including me! Yes, me too girl.
Let me make this clear. It’s a beautiful thing to be in a committed relationship/marriage, it’s even a better thing to be in a committed relationship for the right reasons. You ever wonder how many people who are in a relationship for the wrong reasons?
Because he/she is cute
Because he/she gives me money every week
Because he/she pays my bills
Because my parents says I have to get married
Because he/she can have great sex
Because he/she said they want a baby by me
Because he/she has a powerful circle
I mean the list goes on….
Everyone wants a relationship, wanna be Boo’d up, get married, have children- I mean look around you, it’s the new thing now. However, let’s be honest, how many of us are ready for that journey OUTSIDE of what’s expected of us? I believe a relationship is a serious commitment. A commitment to improve each other’s lives the best way possible. A relationship is building together, creating memories for a lifetime. It’s a partnership with an infinite contract. It’s acceptance of the imperfections, it’s unity, it’s long lasting, it’s a spiritual, emotional, physical makeover. I don’t know about you, but my goal is to always leave a mark on someone else’s life. I can guarantee you, it’s impossible to be the same after knowing me. I make it my ultimate goal to spoil your life with greatness. Personally, these are all the characteristics of a healthy intimate relationship to me. The older you get the more you’ll realize, it really is not about the material things or sex. Especially if it’s two independent people in a relationship. This is my tip. I’m going to share this with you. It may not work for you but it does for me. I always ask myself three questions before entering a relationship
Is he worth it- I’m talking about my time, my presence, my sweet conversations, my personal space, my money, my body, my mind etc…( it’s up to you to determine)
Does he have more to lose than I do? It’s almost impossible for me to be with someone who brings less to the table than I do. I’m not talking about money only. I’m talking about you have to have so much going on in your life that you can’t afford to risk your reputation…
Does he make me happy- there is nothing better than a happy home. It’s unhealthy to be with someone who constantly bring you sadness. Emotional manipulation is a disease. At some point you will die. My happiness is not an option.
Before I put an end to this novel, I’d like to say this: The genesis of a strong healthy relationship is a friendship. If you are not sure what a healthy friendship is, check out my blog on “ Would you risk a friendship for love”. Once you get a good sense of the person, then you can allow for the process of metamorphosis. You’d be amazed at how interesting some people can be if you give them a chance.
What’s your recipe of a perfect relationship? Is there such a thing as a “Perfect relationship”? I would love to hear from you. Comment below and don’t forget to subscribe for more updates.